ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
