That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
