My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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