Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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