we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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