dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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