He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
