At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
