Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
