remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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