She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
