every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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