I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
