I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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