You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
