maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
