you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
