party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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