im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
