Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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