I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
