Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
