I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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