two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
