Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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