i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
