I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
