Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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