I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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