he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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