I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
