Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
