i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
