Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This house was built for laser tag.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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