remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
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