Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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