Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
