fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
