took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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