3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
