I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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