She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We're too hungover to prance.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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