he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
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