If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
