I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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