i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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