dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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