I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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