I just threw up on my dentist
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
