Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
